meandmeg.com

I’m reading  The Girl who kicked the Hornet’s Nest, the final book in Steig Larrsson’s  trilogy. So naturally, I’m trying to eke out a little time during the day to do this. Impossible. Lately, when Stella is down for her nap, I will make Malone have “quiet time”. Meg uses the term “quiet time”, I should be using the term, “go fuck my house time”. Malone and Stella share a room, so she has her “quiet time” in my room. NEVER AGAIN. This week was the final straw.

 I can accept when she goes in my closet and pulls some clothes off the hangers, or wears my shoes and shatters them across the bedroom. What I can’t accept is when she covers herself in Vaseline and Bio Oil, on my bed. She also decided to use “paint polish” (her term for nail polish). Utter devastation. Besides the fact that she was shiny, the bed look like it had been tie-dyed in grease, and it looked like a rabid squirrel attacked her feet (it was red rail polish). I phoned Meg and said “baby got back”. Malone got me. I find it very passive aggressive of her, she’s 3. She agrees to the time alone with too much enthusiasm, I should now this is a tell-tale sign that she’s planning something, I think, in her head Malone is saying “wait ’til you see what I have planned today mom”.

Forget it. She can stay up. She can help me clean, or something. Did I mention she sprayed the outside of toilet blue, she used so much Windex on it?  No, I didn’t take pictures. Don’t worry, there will be a next time.

tip#1. don’t try and read during the day.

tip#2. days weren’t made for you,  they were made for your kids. so if you’re trying to do something like a take shower or sit down, you will  fail.

tip#3. don’t try for the double-down nap. (when both kids, or all 3, or how ever many you have sleep or GO AWAY at the same time).

tip#4. clean up a mess with a glass of wine in hand. I had ice-water. yummy. it was delish. if it’s morning have a Mimosa.

Cheers, cheers

L

Guess who is out-sicking me at this very moment? That’s right, Robb Wismer. It started yesterday. I slept in after a terrible night of coughing attacks (so annoying) and little Kaibear waking me about 20 times because his ear hurt. When I came downstairs, I saw it. Robb Wismer feeling sick. Great. I was not yet feeling ready to attack life, but what choice did I have? A man is sick….boo-effing-hoo.

The day progressed with Robb laying on his back reading and me doing all the house sh*t that had not been done over the past 3-5 days. Needless to say the house was a shocking mess, and despite feeling like crap I couldn’t ignore my daily responsibilities any longer.  By about  2:30 in the afternoon I was annoyed. Here we go again! I don’t feel well and Robb has crashed and burned. There has never been a time when I have been sick that he hasn’t out-sick me. The problem is, is that he looks sick, I mean really ill.  My family has started calling him Woogie (There’s Something About Mary) because his eyes are all whacked out and pussy, it’s revolting.

An argument ensued:

Robb: Right Meg, I try to get sick. I hope that I can get sick.

Me: All I’m saying is that anytime I get sick, you are a useless tit and get more sick than I am.

Robb: News flash. That’s what usually happens in a household. One person gets sick and the rest of the house gets it. It’s called contagious.

Me: I don’t get sick every time you do. You get sick as much as the kids do. Every time anybody gets anything, you get it worse.

Robb: Oh, I’m sorry Meg. You’re right. I can’t wait till the next person gets ill so that I can too.

We went on and on like this. We don’t argue about much, only dumb stuff like this. I am convinced though that Robb likes getting sick when everyone else does, so he can be a sucky baby. He is still sleeping right now. I am sure he will come down and need a NeoCitran or something….can’t wait.

In other news, the crab is definitely dead and as I hear the garbage truck outside my house, I know it’s gone.  The boys helped me dispose of it this morning. Jax and Kai did not feel sad, instead started planning their next pet. Wow, wow, slow down boys. Kai asked if we can get a ‘kitty cat’? Nope. Never. I hate cats. Jax said, probably a dog would be best. Then he started selling it to Kai by telling him ‘you can throw a ball with a dog, Kai, they will go and get it for you’. 

I am relieved. The crabs are gone. I have learned my lesson. Pets are the shits.

So Meg stated on face book that the remaining crab “might” have died. The crabitat is maybe 20cm by 10cm, I don’t see how one couldn’t draw a CONCLUSION, take a look: is it moving? Hopefully now she will find the time to take Kai to the hairdresser, he is starting school next week. Speaking of school, Malone will be going back to nursery school. She loves school, and I’m trying to justify putting her in 2 full days; I think come October I have good reason; Stella will be almost 19mths, and there will be a new babes……that should keep me busy don’t you think?  What I really want is for her to go to kindergarten….free school, on the bus, GLORIOUS. I’m hoping school will satisfy her insatiable appetite for crafts. I’ve come out of the proverbial closet on crafts: I HATE THEM. If Malone is using markers, Stella sucks on them, or draws all over herself, countless times I find the back of my cream coloured chair COVERED in marker.  If we’re using paints, well, it’s a disaster. I’m sure Jackson Pollack would think I’m raising two artistes, but it makes me crazy. I’ve decided that I’m going to buy more slides, and tunnels. They’re clean. I can put them in the basement during the winter, and viola: indoor playground. I”ve got to make friends with craft loving moms. If a mom reading this, is organized, craft loving, and calm, I think we should meet. I’m a craft-hating, unorganized spaz. I look forward to hearing from you.

Cheers, cheers

L

Leigh is right. This summer has been one party after another and it has been amazing! As usual at the end of the staying up too late-drinking too much-eating poorly tunnel there is a sickness waiting for me.

Since Friday I have felt terrible. Sucked it up for the weekend, obvi.  Come Sunday I was down and out, but with the partying I did Saturday night couldn’t know for sure it was because of my cold?  So Monday arrives and I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. That’s always fun when you have kids and you stay at home with them, yippee!

Wizz, trying to be a kind husband, worked from home yesterday so I could try to rest and chill out a little.   I laid in my bed for about 3 hours, it was glorious. When I emerged from my room I saw the devastation that is my house. Now, it was like this before I went into my room, so really I don’t know why I was surprised. Instead of being grateful that Wizz let me have an afternoon snooze I start bitching about how he didn’t do anything around the house.  This was an out of body experience. I could see and hear what I was doing and I was trying to tell myself to stop being a crazy bitch but I couldn’t get a hold myself.   Instead of being a normal person who says ‘thanks babe’ I went loonie. I was so annoyed with myself.

The other part of this story is that, whenever I get sick I know Wizz is going to come out with some sort of more serious sickness shortly after I have turned the corner. It never fails. I get sick, Wizz gets more sick. Even if I have a sore throat, Wizz will get strep throat. He is a master and out-sicking me. Today is Tuesday. I wake up, feeling marginally better. Wizz, he has gone downhill. He is at it again, trying to out sick me, he can’t help himself. I probably owe him though, so maybe I will make him a tea?

There has been a lot of partying this summer. Weddings, birthday parties, engagement parties, countless BBQs, its-Friday-lets-drink, you name it, it’s been celebrated. The problem is, I love parties, I love cocktails, I love wine, I’m pregnant. This equation doesn’t add  up. It’s a recipe for disaster. This past weekend was my dad’s memorial golf tournament; over 125 people  turned out, the day was stunning, we raised money for a scholarship in his name, it couldn’t have been better. I lie. It would have been better if I was able to drink. I’ve had enough readers write and tell me I’m a lush. Whatever.  You see, I’ve seen Dylan drunk too many times this summer, while I’ve been sober. I don’t think its good on a marriage. I’ve started saying things like “I’m sober and hostile, stop drinking”. He thinks its funny. I say it around our friends and they giggle, but I’m being serious. 

 Seeing people eneberated  while you’re sober can be hilarious, but it can turn annoying very quickly. I love regaling people with my stories of what they did while trashed. I always end every story with: “I know, I’m pregnant, I wasn’t drinking”. This past weekend, there were items up for auction. A signed Sidney Crosby jersey was purchased by good friends  of ours for a sizeable sum of money. I asked Sam, “why did you guys by that?”.  Her reply: ” a good friend lives in Pittsburgh, is getting married and loves Sidney Crosby, so we’re giving it to him as a wedding present”. As she is finishing her story, I looked over my shoulder to see Dylan, down on one knee in some kind of pathetic drinking power stance, chugging a beer, with the jersey on(he also hadn’t taken it off the hanger, so it was sticking out in front of his face). I said “Dylan take off that jersey right now, you baboon”. He tried to offer an explanation that made no sense, so I told him I   was beyond hostile, stop acting like a f*cking donkey, pronto. He took it off, and I hid it.

I told my mom I can’t believe I’ve been drinking with him thinking he’s so cool, and fun, when really he’s a train smash. We call Dylan, Paw. Why you ask?  Well, being hugged by Dylan drunk, is I imagine, how it would feel being mauled by a Polar bear, or Grizzly. All 210lbs come crashing down on your shoulders, I don’t know how I remain standing. He  also starts pawing people, you know, patting them on the back. You’d think that you were choking, and he was trying to save your life, it’s a horrible experience. I can’t take much more people. I’ve got to have this  baby soon. There’s another wedding this weekend. Hopefully there is lots of cake.

Cheers, cheers

Lxo

I'm not bad babe.......

Most mornings I make coffee. What I’d rather do is go to the drive-thru and buy one. I can’t make my coffee taste like drive thru coffee. If I’m not letting the girls eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch (which is amazing), then I’ll make steel cut oats (don’t forget, I’m mother of the year), and off we go to watch some annoying cartoon. Well, yesterday I got a little surprise. I had just poured some coffee, Stella was on the couch, and so was Malone. The phone rang, it was my bro. We got chatting away, and Malone got up, I thought nothing of it. I heard a chair move, and still thought nothing (I’m revealing how stupid I am), a minute later Malone walked in the family room with her little tea cup and saucer, saying she had just poured some coffee. I thought that was cute, and took a sip of mine.  Malone came over the couch and set her saucer down, she then proceeded to come and sit next to me, I looked into her cup, and it had black  coffee in it!  I couldn’t believe it. I tried to whisper to my brother that Malone had just poured herself a cup of joe, he said “that’s cool”.  I said “yeah, it’s so cool that she  got herself a cup of hot coffee right under my nose.” I asked her how she liked her coffee and she replied “in a cup”. That’s dignified. The biggest mistake I make as a mother is underestimating my kids. I have to remind myself, they’re advanced. 

coffee anyone?

Cheers, cheers

L

My kids listen to my music. I think that is fair. I watch their bad television shows, they can listen to my music. I think that is a great trade-off, non? I refuse to be stuck in my car with ‘Baby Beluga’ cranked. No, not in my van. No way!

At any minute they could bust out a verse of ‘Dynamite’ or a Cyndi Lauper classic.  

Is it wrong that they sing inappropriate things sometimes? They don’t know what it means, heck, I don’t even know what half of it means. They other day Jax was upstairs singing a Big Punisher (remember him!) song, walking around going ‘you nasty twin I don’t care’ . The other side of this is that Kai does a kick-ass rendition of  Frankie Valli’s ‘Sherry’.

Wizz and I are loving Eminem’s new disc…that could get a bit dodgy with the kids.